Attachment Styles

There are generally four attachment styles and depending on who you follow their may be some slight variations in the definitions.  John Bowlby was a British psychologist and psychiatrist who believed that children are born with an innate ability to bond with their attachment figures and is accredited with attachment theory.

Essentially, attachment theory deals with the connections we have with people that help us tolerate and regulate our emotional responses. Dr. Dan Siegel, a psychologist, educator and author states that there is a “sense of connection – the sense of feeling held, of feeling supported, of feeling understood by another – occurs somewhat through words, but an awful lot through nonverbal communication.” It is through our communications with one another that we find healthy or unhealthy attachment.

The four attachment styles are secure, anxious, avoidant and disorganized. Please note that we have the opportunity at any age and from any past circumstance to become a secure connector to our spouse, children, grandchildren and others.

Secure Attachment

The parent is attuned to their child from infancy. As the child develops, they feel understood and cared for. There is a bond of trust that is developed between parent and child. When there is a rupture within the relationship the attuned parent attends to their child with empathy. The parent can read their child’s body language and nonverbal needs. As the child grows the secure parent helps them learn more about their emotions and how to communicate them in healthy ways. The child feels safe and there is optimal opportunity for educational, emotional and social growth.

Anxious Attachment

The attunement of an anxiously attached parent is inconsistent. The parent feels a disproportionate arousal in their own nervous system because their fight or flight may be turned up too high or too low. When the parent feels triggered, they feel overly anxious or fearful and it is difficult for them to regulate their own emotions. They seem to have great ability in reading others body language, nonverbal and social needs while struggling to integrate their own. Because of this inconsistency they can attach with some level of security and at the same time leave the child feeling an insecure connection. The child is left feeling confused and unable to fully trust and attach securely with their parent.

Avoidant Attachment

The parent who is not attuned to their child does not have a good foundation in knowing their own emotional state. They have an underdeveloped emotional intelligence. This means that the parent has a lower level of sensitivity to read the child’s emotional signals that convey subtle and the overall emotional state of the child. The parent is challenged to read their child’s body language and facial expressions and therefore may miss comprehending their child’s social needs of connection.

The avoidantly attached parent too may be triggered from their past trauma as their own experiences of either miscommunicating their needs or not reading the needs of others has caused them harm.

Disorganized Attachment

Dr. Dan Siegle speaks of a parent who is prone to rage reactions which produce terror in the child. The parent’s rage induces an internal state of fear in the child causing fight or flight to be in play at any moment. This creates a pattern of fear interrupting the child’s ability to learn from natural consequences. The child does not feel a sense of safety with their parent as they cannot trust their parent’s reaction. The child does not know when they will be safe or when the rage will be aimed at them. When the rage is aimed at another family member or a person or situation outside the family this also has the potential to cause the child harm.

In a disorganized attachment style, the child grows up in a home with a family system that is confusing, fearful and unsafe because their parent has become a regular source of fear and terror for the child. This child is left with a sense of confusion due to the parent’s inability or choice not to repair this disconnection. The child does not learn to regulate their emotions nor to feel understood.

My intention here is to offer a brief explanation of the four types of attachment styles to give you an idea of where you stand on this matter.

Resources:

Attachment Quiz:

REV. MILAN YERKOVICH, M.A., KAY YERKOVICH, M.S., M.F.T. have a website, https://howwelove.com/core-patterns/. There you will find an attachment style quiz. My husband and I took it, read their book with the questions in the back to guide us toward intimacy. We have watched some of their webinars and are continuing to become secure connectors for each other.

Book:

You may find this book helpful: by Dr. Dan J. Siegel: The Developing Mind, How Relationships and the Brain Interact to Shape Who We are

The Bible is a wonderful resource to teach us what a secure connection is with the Heavenly Father. “Whoever dwells in the shelter of the Most High will rest in the shadow of the Almighty. I will say of the LORD, “He is my refuge and my fortress, my God in whom I trust.” Psalm 91:1-2